Strength Ta Fight
by NoMercy11
Summary: In the blink of an eye your whole life changes, you wake up and you have cancer. You've been adopted, you're slowly falling apart and everyone knows it but you. What do you have left to believe in? HAVE FAITH. Don't own any characters.
1. Chapter 1

This story will eventually have characters from Law & Order: SVU, House, Degrassi, NCIS and Grey's Anatomy.

My names Shae, Shae Miller. And today is the day cancer took my last breath away.

I've been through hell and back many times and I know I probably didn't deserve this many chances, but I wanted to thank everyone I care about. So here goes nothing.

To my adopted parents Elliot and Olivia I love you more than anything. I could never thank you enough for all that you've done for me, you took me under your wing. You adopted me gave me a life I never dreamed of having. And I know I came with so much baggage. I put you through a lot. I stressed you out I had you worried. And you didn't deserve to have to be out through all that. But I love you, and I wouldn't have made it this long without you. Thank you for protecting me through everything. Making me believe I still had things to believe in. I love you.

And Carter, if I could tell you in words how much you mean to me I don't know if you'd be able to read it all. I love you, I do so much. We've been through so much even before the cancer. And I wanted to thank you for sticking with me through it all, being my rock. I owe you everything. I love you, never ever forget how much I love you.

And to all my friends, you guys are the best and will forever be the best, you were all there for me when I needed you the most and you all went through a lot of shit with me. You gave me hope, and faith and strength to keep going. And for all that I owe you big time. I do. And I want you to know that I love you all. And I wouldn't want to be friends with anybody else. I love you all.

I owe you every single one of you the world.

But today's my last day I can tell I feel it, it's been a long fight.

So let me tell you my story from the beginning, It was probably the best and one of the worst days of my life...


	2. Chapter 2

You know those days you wish time would just stop? Today was one of those days. I had a doctors appointment, he told me it was urgent. Something was obviously up.

I walked in the doors of the hospital, and I saw a couple nurses that already knew me. I walked up to the front desk and they told me to have a seat a Nurse would be with my shortly. While I was sitting there I just looked around the waiting room taking in my surroundings putting things together. I was thinking about how this is where people get bad news, sometimes good news. But mostly bad. But most things always turn bad, right? Well I was snapped out of those thoughts when I looked up and saw Nurse Olivia talking to me. I met her a few times for a broken arm and some stitches.

Nurse Olivia tapped me on the shoulder and said. "Hi, Shae. Come with me." She was smiling at me but it didn't reach her eyes. I just followed.

"Remember when you came in here a little while back, You fell down the stairs broke a couple ribs?"

I nodded, I didn't understand how that had to do with anything.

Nurse Olivia said, " I got some bad news we ran some tests and looked over all your charts and X-rays. It looks like you have a tumor sitting on one of your kidneys. I don't want you worry to much. But there's a chance it can be cancerous we just wanna run a few quick tests and we'll know before you leave today. I'll sooner we can take care of this the better."

I didn't hear most of what she was saying. I just say there for a few minutes. Thinking. Analyzing.

"I could have cancer..." I whispered.

"You'll be alright we will be here with you through it all." She said.

I continued to stare blankly. She had me change into a gown and she took some blood. The day was a blur it went by painfully slow I just did what her and Doctor Wilson told me. Did all the test, never said a word. What was I suppose to say. I didn't call and tell my parents they wouldn't have cared. Probably would've came up with a lame excuse to ground me or blame it on me. I didn't want to drag my friends into this. That's alot of baggage they don't need all that. So I just waited for the results. I thought about my life and maybe how I deserved it atleast that's what my parents would say. But it was okay if I did deserve it. I believed in god. I believe everything's happens for a reason... So now ill fight to find my reason.

Nurse Olivia came back to the room with Doctor Wilson 15 minutes later. "We got the results back, I'm sorry you have cancer."

I nodded, I knew I had to be prepared for the bad news.

Nurse Olivia stepped forward and started telling me more about it. "It's going to be a tough fight, but I know you have the strength to get through this. You've been through alot already. Just whatever you do, don't give up. And you'll beat it. The survival rate isn't the best, so I know only the best can beat this and I believe you can. I've seen alot of people battle cancer and win their fight and some lose. We're going to take good care of you. You can do this. You got this."

"So we will schedule to have Doctor chase take the tumor out tomorrow morning and then we'll get you stared on chemotherapy right away. Okay?" Doctor Wilson said. I completely forgot he was there.

"Okay" I said. It was okay, had to be okay. Ill be okay. I have to be.

Doctor Wilson left but Nurse Olivia stuck around for a while. She sat down at the end of my bed and looked at me.

"Is there anyone you want me to call? I know your parents aren't really the best option." She was right. They weren't

My parents. I don't know why but they hated me. They despised me. I was always doing something wrong, always screwing up something. And they definetly made me pay for it.

So I nodded at Nurse Olivia, and I told her. "Have you ever been hit so many times you can't get up, or been shoved down the stairs and then thrown in an ice bath. Or had your hands pressed down on the burners of a stove till your skin burns off. Or locked in a room for 4 days with no way out. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad for me, I don't want anyone's pity. But no you're right, my parents aren't the best option."

"I didn't mean to- I mean.. Sorry." She stuttered.

"No, no Nurse Olivia. I'm sorry I didn't mean to blow up like that. Heat if the moment maybe?" I said.

"You're fine Shae, and you can call me Olivia. No matter what you need you let me know. I'll help you ill try to be there with you through it all. Everybody needs somebody."

"Thank you Olivia. For being here." She nodded squeezed my hand, left.

'Everybody needs somebody.' I whispered to myself a few times.

I just want so badly to feel wanted.

Because, everybody needs somebody sometimes.


	3. Chapter 3

Fours hours, four hours had gone by since my surgery. I didn't really feel alot of pain though... Probably the painkillers doing their job. Olivia had just started setting me up for chemo. It was probably going to be a long day.

"Why don't you call a friend? Boyfriend?"

"No boyfriend, and my friends don't need all this baggage."

"You don't give yourself enough credit you know. And I bet you're friends would want to know about this. And what no lucky guy chasing after you.. There's gotta be someone."

Olivia made me smile, I liked how she could make me smile even if alot of stuff sucked right now. She was cool. I wished she was my mom. But she wouldn't want me, I'm damaged.

"Well I will tell them eventually. And the whole boy chasing thing is crap." And I smiled, "but I've been on and off with this kid Carter, we started dating in the 5th grade broke up got back together all up until eighth grade, I broke up with him for good, he cared to much about what his friends thought and I was tired of the hot/cold games. But I do miss him. I'll always miss him. "

Olivia just looked at me and smiled, "There's two sides to every story and if you miss him and you guys dated on and off for that long, he's probably missing you too. Give him a call I bet he'd love to here from you. And if he still cares about you, he'll be here for you when you need him most."

"Maybe... Maybe I will. Thanks Olivia."

"No need to thank me Shae. I'm here, I got you." And with that she left so could call him.

Carter, Carter was funny. He could be sweet to. He had those dark brown puppy dog eyes you could never say no to. He gave hugs that could melt your heart, I thought so atleast. He gave me hope. He did back then, when I still had him. I missed him. I'm gonna call, it's worth a shot, I hope.

I picked up my phone and dialed the number I'd always know by heart. He held my only soft side. My heart skipped a beat when he answered.

"Hello?"

"Hi Carter, It's Shae. Are you busy?"

"No, not busy Shae. What's up?"

"I was thinking maybe we could talk, but you know face to face."

"Sure, you wanna meet up or come to my house..."

"Actually, I'm in the hospital, can you come here?"

"What happened, all you alright? What did they do? Shae-" by they I knew he met my parents.

"Nothing like that Carter, I'm on floor 3, room 27B."

"I'll be there in 20."

"Okay, see you soon." Right when I was about to hang up. I heard him say

"Oh and Shae,"

"Yeah?"

"It's really nice to hear your voice again." And then he hung up.

He missed me. That's all that mattered right then. The one person I use to love more then anything said it was nice to hear my voice. I missed him, I didn't realize how much I did until after he hung up. He was always there for me, him and all my friends were all I had. My family, my whole biological family despised me. But my friends, and Carter. They were my family to. And I needed to tell them what was going on.. After I told Carter.

I decided to take a shower and change out of my hospital gown, and I walked out of the bathroom right as Olivia was showing Carter my room. I saw mouth 'Good Luck' at me and she left. Before I could say anything, I was embraced in that melt your heart hug I had been dying to feel. The hug that mad your insides melt and you couldn't help but smile after. I didn't want to let go, but we both knew this conversation wasn't going away. So I let go and say down on the bed, and sighed.

This wasn't going to be easy.

Carter looked at me... Worried.

"Why are you in here. What's going on?"

"I had a tumor sitting on my kidneys. It was cancerous... Carter I have cancer. The surgery went okay. But I have cancer. I have cancer carter." I looked at him, and I felt my eyes start to tear up. Carter just turned like he was going to leave.

"Wha- where are you going." I stuttered out. He just closed the door. Walked back over and hugged me. Not the melt your heart hug. But the protective hug. The I never want to lose you hug. And it made me cry. I rarely cried. But I couldn't hold it in any longer. Then I heard Carter whisper

"I'll never leave your side, I'll be your light when things get dark. I'll fight your fight when you might wanna give up. I'll be your protector. I'll be here for you through it all. I love you. And I know you can do this. You got this, okay?"

I nodded into his shoulder and he held me tighter. He let go, and I wiped away my tears. I felt weak. Crying means your weak, that's what my parents would say. But I realized I didn't need them to get through this. I had Carter an Olivia, I just needed to tell my friends. Carter looked at me. He was thinking.

"I know sometimes I didn't treat you the best, I put my friends first. We played games with each other are whole relationship. And I don't want to play those games anymore. But I want to be with you. I want be able to call you mine, and hug you, kiss you. Spend time with you. I want to love you. I want to be here for you. Help you get through this and everything you ever have to fight. I'm sorry for all the stuff I've done wrong. And if you can forgive me, somehow, someway. I'd like another chance. So, Shae will you go out with me, again?"

"Carter I- I just... "


	4. Chapter 4

What do you do when you're stuck between wanting to believe someone had changed for the better and not knowing if that was enough? Wanting someone back, but not knowing if they'll do what they did to you that made you leave. How do you know the good from the bad, when you can't help but love them anyway. But like they say, if you love someone let them go, if they come back it was meant to be.

"Promise me Carter, promise me things will be real this time. Promise me we won't play those games. You won't break my heart. Or forget about me. Promise me. Promise me you won't leave me hanging. I don't want to lose you twice. Promise me."

"I promise, I promise to never leave your side, to never play anymore games. I promise to stick with you. I promise to love you Shae. I promise not to intentionally hurt you, ever. I promise to love you. I promise...  
And I know this wont be easy I know this isn't going to be the perfect relationship, I'm not perfect I make mistakes but I want to be with you. And if you trust me. And you still want to be with me. I love you and ill be waiting here with open arms. Because I promise, I promise not to ever leave you. I promise."

I looked into his eyes, those dark brown eyes. And I couldn't say no. You could look into those eyes, and fall in love all over again. I hugged him. And I whispered "i forgive you." And I kissed him. It had been so long sense we last kissed it was like, our first kiss all over again. Maybe it was just puppy love, we're still young. But love was love. And I loved him. And at this very moment. I realized, Olivia was right. Everyone does need somebody.

"So you forgive me, does that mean we're together. You'll go out with me."

"Yes. And I missed you, I missed you so much. I didn't realize how much I missed you till you got here."

Carter whispered in my ear, "I love you. This time things are real. This time I won't give up. Not on us not on you."

"I love you too. No matter what, ill always love you."

We stood there hugging just like that, like the world had stopped and I would forever be in his embrace. I didn't know what this journey was going to be like. And right now all I knew was at that second I wasn't scared.

"I don't want to believe something so horrible could happen to you. You have cancer Shae. I wish I could take it away. I wish there was something I could do anything."

"I don't know what's going to happen I don't know how this works Carter but I do know all you have to do is be here for me that's all I want. That's all I'll need. I need you and all my friends. I need you all. I want you all here. I wouldn't want it any other way. I still haven't told them though, I don't know how. I don't know how they're going to take it. I don't know anything right know."

"I'll be there for you no matter what. Anything you need. I got you, I promise you I'll be here no matter what. And if you want me there when you tell your friends I'm there, if not then I won't be. I want to help you. Do what I can to at least."

I hugged Carter tighter. It felt like this was all a dream. But It wasn't this was my reality. Maybe just maybe to some people it's a terrible reality. But not to me, not yet at least.

"I need to tell them, I need to tell them today." I said. I was telling Carter and telling myself.

"You can do this, they'll be there for you no matter what. You know that. Spinner, he knows what gonna happen. He'll have your back when maybe the rest of us can't he's been through this. You need them, they need you. We all need you."

"I think I'm gonna call, have them all meet me at Janes. I have to do this in person. As much as I want you to be there. I think I need to do this alone."

"I get that. And just call me after tell me how it went. "Carter smiled at me and gave me one last heart melting hug before kissing me goodbye. "I love you Shae." He said in between kisses.

"I love you so much Carter, I'll call you later. I promise." I kissed him one last time before he let go, smiled at me and turned to leave. Not without looking at me one last time. "I love you." I whispered one last time.

"I love you too Shae. So much." And with that he left.

The phone call would be easy compared to meeting my friends face to face and having to tell them. It was only going to be hard because I didn't know what to expect. Then I thought about Spinner. And when he had testicular cancer. Spinners my bestfriend, and If I was there for him then, I knew he'd be there for me. Maybe they would all be here for me. I hated how needy and selfish this all made me feel. But it was true. So I picked up my phone and dialed Janes number.

"Shae! What are you doing?" Jane said into her phone.

"I was wondering if you could get everyone together at your house. I have to tell you all something. It's important."

"Are you alright?" Jane asked worried

"Yes and no. I'll tell you when I get there. Half hour sound good?" I asked

"Yeah, yeah. I'll set it up. See you soon Shae."

I hung up. I wasn't even sure If I was aloud to leave the hospital yet. I just had surgery. I needed to talk to Olivia. So I went to the nurses station and she was filling out a chart.

"Am I allowed to leave?" I asked her

"I'd have to check with Dr. Wilson, why what's up? Did things go good with Carter?"

"Hmm, full of questions Olivia?" She just smiled, waiting for me to answer  
"I need to tell all my friends, and it went very well." I said, a smile spreading on my face. She knew. Knew it went well

"I'll give Dr. Wilson a call, if he says yes then how about I drop you off my shift ends In 20 minutes." She said picking up the phone at the desk and dialing what was probably Dr. Wilson's number. I heard he ask if I was able to leave for a while, then she frowned then said I would be coming back. Then she smiled and agreed to something. Then hung up.

"He said yes, but him and Doctor Stevens need to talk to you when you get back."

"Okay I'm going to go shower and get ready."

"I'll stop by your room when my shift ends." Olivia said, I nodded and walked back to my room.

20 minutes later, Olivia and I were walking out to her car. She was quiet, like she knew I had alot going on in my head. She gave me enough space. I like Olivia. She was cool, seemed to know what to say most of the time.


	5. Chapter 5

Staring out the window. Can't find the words to say. Thinking through all the things I need to tell you. But they just don't seem right. I need you all to know, that I haven't lost my hope. This cancer it's no joke. Growing up I didn't mean shit, just a kid that always got hit. I'd take a hit, a push, a shove. Knowing that I'd never get a hug. Through all the bruises and the pain I always had my friends they got me through the days. And I thank you all for what you do, cause I wouldn't have made it this far with out you. So I thank you. I couldn't do any of this without you.. So thank you.

I have Olivia directions to Janes house, and soon enough we were there. I sat in the car for a few minutes. Not wanting to go inside. Then Olivia put her hand on my shoulder

"It'll be okay Shae. I know you probably don't know what to say to them. But they'll be there for you. They'll have your back. And if you need anything just call me. I'll be here, or wherever you need me."

I gave Olivia a hug, she did know what to say. She would of been a great mom. Kind of made me wish she was my mom.

I whispered "thank you" and opened the car door, I could see Jane looking out the front door at me.

"If you need a ride back to the hospital later, call me. I'll drop you off. Okay?"

"Okay, thanks Olivia. You're the best."

With that I got out of the car and met Jane at the door and Olivia drove away. I took a deep breath, and walked inside.

"Everyone is downstairs watching tv. I guess the games on" Jane said walking downstairs to the basement

Everyone was there. Jane. Spinner. Marco. Lizzie. Dickie. Eli. Clare. Danny. Ellie. Even Mo was there. I sat in my favorite place it was the corner that connected to two couches. Spin turned off the tv and everyone's eyes were on me.

"I have some bad news. Well not bad news for you guys really. But a I received some bad news. And I uh... Guys I have... I have cancer." Spinner got up and left. I was waiting for someone to say something anything. Lizzie started crying, which made Clare cry. And I drew my knees to my chest. I didn't know what to say.

"Please. Please tell me this is some kind of sick joke Shae. Please tell me this isn't happening." Jane was begging me to say it was a lie. I shook my head.

"I wouldn't joke about something like this" I said, my voice slowing rising. Then I got quiet. "Not after Spinner. You know that. I'm sorry. Okay. I knew this was a bad idea okay. I didn't want to put all my baggage on you guys. But you deserved to know. You all did... And I need you. I need you guys."

Marco sat next to me and grabbed my hand. Jane started to pace. Eli was trying to get Clare to stop crying. Mo and Dickie were trying to get Lizzie to stop crying. Danny was thinking. Ellie sat next to Marco. Spinner was still gone.

Marco cleared the silence. "Of course we're all going to be here for. You didn't seriously expect us to stop talking to you because you have cancer. It's just scary news Shae. You were there when we found out about spinner. It was hard then too. Maybe they can't find the words to say it right now. But we will be with you every step of the way. No matter what."

"He's right" Danny said. "No way we're going to leave you hanging. Whatever you need. We got you."

"You're going to be okay, right? You'll beat this like spinner did." Lizzie pleaded

"I hope so. I mean I don't really know how all this works. It's different when you're the one going through it. I don't know what to expect. But I'm going to try my hardest. I promise you guys... "

"You really thought that after everything we've been through together we were going to walk right out of your life. You mean alot to us to, it goes both ways. We need you as much as you need us. It's not a one way street Shae. We're family. We stick together no matter what. We need you. We're family Shae. Family. Don't ever forget that." Dickie said, and he hugged me. Hugged me like I was going to disappear at any second. It was good to feel wanted. He was right though, they were my family. They're the only family I have. And I needed them, and they needed me. Family.

"I love you guys." I said barely above a whisper, I knew I had tears in my eyes. And Ellie and Clare hugged me and told me everything was going to be okay. Eli gave me a hug and whispered, "we got you" in my ear.

"For what it's worth.. " Mo started. "Yeah we're a family, and we go through alot of messed up stuff but I personally wouldn't want it any other way. No one said this was going to be easy right? And how boring would it be if it was easy. We have are ups and down, we go through thick and thin. We've been through hell and back. But we are all still here. And I love are messed up family. I love you guys. And if anyone could get through all the shit we've been through and still continue to fight, it's all of us." I saw almost everyone nod. Then I got up.

"I need to talk to spinner, I'll be right back."

I found him outside on the porch just staring at the sky.

"Spin, do you hate me?"

"I could never hate you Shae. I cant believe cancer got you too, no one deserves it, 'specially not you. I dint know what to think about it other than I hate it. I went through it Shae. And you don't deserve it believe me. You'll have your good days, and you'll have these horrible days that seem to never end. You're going to need all of us. Cause we don't want to lose you. We can't lose you. No one can. You're like the glue that keeps us together when we're all falling apart. We need you, you need us. This is are family. And I promise you Shae, and you know I don't make promises. But I promise you we are going to get you through this. He whispered

I hugged him. Spinner was the big brother I never had, bestfriends since the third grade. Always had each others backs. No matter what.

"So how about we go finish watching that game, get your mind off things." He had a light smile dancing on his face.

"Sounds good to me, thanks spin."

"No problem." He whispered putting his arm across my shoulders leading me inside.

Someone had already turned the tv back on. Knowing we were done talking about it. Everyone settled in there usual seats. And I walked in the kitchen to grab drinks with Jane. Then it hit me. Nausea. Hit me hard. My hand flew to my mouth and I ran upstairs to the bathroom. That was one side effect I knew I wasn't going to like. But it wasn't like the nausea where you puke once and it's over. No, that'd be to easy.

I just made it to the bathroom in time to puke into the toilet. Then I heard two people run up the stairs. I started feeling more and more nauseous. My head was spinning. Then I realized what Dr Wilson probably wanted to talk about. The side effects. I mentally slapped myself for not talking to him first. I went to puke again when I felt someone put a hand on my back, it was spinner. I got sick again then slumped against the wall. Jane handed me a water.

"Do you want me to call my mom and have her bring you to the hospital?" Jane said

"No, no I'm fi- " and here comes another round of nausea. Guess who didn't finish that sentence. Would have been a lie anyway, no one is ever "fine".

Spinner spoke up "Shae, let her call. You need to except that you're going to need a little help now."

I slide my phone across the floor over to Jane. "Call Olivia, ask her to come get me. She's my nurse. She'll know what to do." I said trying to catch my breath, Jane nodded. And called her. I couldn't really hear what she was saying or what spinner was saying. I saw Danny come in then he disappeared, I felt like I was going to get sick again but just dry heaves. My head was heavy and dizzy. I squeezed my eyes shut and whispered. "This is just a side effect." Then I heard spinner say, "they're the worst part." I thought from the dry heaves I had nothing left to puke up. But my stomach had news for me, my chest flew forward and I got sick again. And one more time after that. Then I just put my head on my arm and shut my eyes. I needed to pull myself together. This wasn't me, I was tougher then this. This was just the beginning and I was already looking weak. I slowly stood up and balanced myself with the sink. I leaned against the wall and opened my eyes one at a time. The room wasn't spinning. I was mentally yelling at myself not to puke.

Jane came back in the bathroom  
"Olivia is out front" she said

I took a deep breath and started to walk out of the bathroom. My head got a little heavier. Smaller steps I thought. Jane and spinner helped me walk down the stairs and out to Olivia's car, Olivia got out and opened the door for me to get in.

"We'll call you later Shae, okay?" Spinner said, I just whispered okay.

"Feeling any better Shae?" Olivia asked getting back in the car

Then I realized there was someone else in the car, he was driving.

"Shae, this is my boyfriend. Elliot, Elliot Stabler. He's a detective."

"It's nice to meet you Elliot. Elliot Stabler."

He laughed, "it's nice to meet you too Shae, I've heard good things."

"Haha, I bet you did. And what good things would Olivia have to say about me."

"Ya know, Olivia is right here. Hello." Olivia said laughing "and I said you were a good kid, tough kid. I've known you for a while."

"No she said you were a pain in th-"

"Elliot!" Olivia yelled smacking him in the arm "I did not say that!" I just sat there laughing

"I know but you should've seen your face." He said laughing, we were all laughing. Then the side effects kicked back in.

"Elliot, pullover." He knew I wasn't kidding I opened the door and had just enough time to get out before getting sick to my stomach, again. Olivia jumped out of the car and came over to rub my back. She told me "It'll get better, it's hard cause its just the beginning." My chest was pounding. Olivia helped me back into the car. Elliot was a life savor when he handed me a water.

"We're almost to the hospital. Less then five minutes."

I nodded closing my eyes. When we got there Olivia made me get in a wheelchair, I hated those. She told me I should probably rest up. And she'd tell Dr. Wilson to come see me later for that talk. Olivia got me settled and gave my hand a squeeze before her and Elliot left. Was it bad of me to wish they were my parents. There was no way they wanted me.

You know everyone's been telling me. Telling me I need people to help me, help me get through this. Or that I can do this. I'm tough. But what if I'm not. Not tough enough atleast. What if I couldn't do this. What if my parents were right when they told me I was a coward and would never get anywhere in life. What if they were right. What if. Then what.

I'm just some damaged kid. Damaged. But a damaged kid can wish right?


End file.
